


we'll be a fine line

by bucksreyes



Category: Love Victor (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Communication, M/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:00:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24941215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bucksreyes/pseuds/bucksreyes
Summary: Victor swallows back another sob, horrified with himself. Oh god, Benji knows. It shouldn’t be his first thought, but it is. There is another person on this planet, besides Simon, who knows his deepest secret. A secret that in many ways, he had been keeping from himself. But the secret’s out.After the kiss, Victor runs into the hallway and cries because he can't deny his sexuality any longer. Benji doesn't follow him.
But what if Benji did follow him out, and then they talked about what happened.
Relationships: Victor Salazar/Benji Campbell
Comments: 14
Kudos: 186





	we'll be a fine line

**Author's Note:**

> i just wrote this in one sitting and didn't even spell check so i apologize for any incorrect spelling or grammar, all mistakes are mine.

He wishes he could take it back. It was a mistake. He wishes he could go back to five minutes ago and just say good night and turn over and go to sleep. He doesn’t know why he did it. It was so stupid. It made no sense. He isn’t… he can’t be like that. This isn’t what he wants.

He can’t keep repeating it in his head. He doesn’t want his life to be this hard. But another part of him, a part that is getting harder and harder to ignore, tells him that this was inevitable. He’s known this about himself for a long time and he can’t keep denying it anymore. There’s no more denying it, not after what he’s done.

Victor swallows back another sob, horrified with himself.  _ Oh god, Benji knows _ . It shouldn’t be his first thought, but it is. There is another person on this planet, besides Simon, who knows his deepest secret. A secret that in many ways, he had been keeping from himself. But the secret’s out.

And the worst part isn’t even that he kissed Benji. It’s that he liked it. He liked kissing Benji, more than he has ever liked kissing anyone else. He didn’t get what the big deal about kissing was, sure it was nice, it felt good, it was a way to show affection, but he didn’t know it was supposed to feel like  _ that. _ He never felt more himself then in those thirty seconds when he was kissing another boy and that terrifies him.

He is staring at the wall without seeing it and his head feels heavy with all of the thoughts spinning around in it when he hears the door open. He tries to keep his eyes on the wall but his gaze lands on the silhouette in the doorway without his permission. 

“Victor,” his voice is quiet, partly because of the time of night and partly because of the weight of the silence between them. “Come inside… please.”

Victor looks down at the floor, unable to meet Benji’s eyes, but he knows he can’t spend the whole night on the floor. He knows Benji is mad, and they may as well get this conversation over with, as much as he wants to delay it until morning, or pretend it never happened.

He slowly picks himself up off of the floor and walks back to the room. Benji walks back in ahead of him and closes the door after Victor comes inside. Benji sits on the bed, looking away from Victor.

Victor hears him take a deep breath and he runs a hand through his hair. “Where did that come from, Victor?”

He tries to respond, to say something, anything, but the fear claws at his throat and closes it up. The fear that has kept him silent for months. He can’t shake it, even now. He thinks back to a few minutes ago, the flash of lightning, the surge of adrenaline he felt, leaning forward and–he presses a hand over his mouth as if that will stop the thoughts.

Benji turns to look at him. “I just… I have a boyfriend.”

Victor still doesn’t know what to say but he knows he has to say something before this conversation spirals out of control, or even more so than it already has. “It won’t… it won’t happen again.”

Benji looks at him then, but his face is unreadable. “You don’t get it.”

Victor’s shoulders slump. He didn’t realize until now that he took Benji’s openness for granted. Benji has been honest with him since they met, shared all of his secrets, and Victor has been holding back. Now, with Benji looking at him in a way he doesn’t understand, he wants nothing more than to know what’s going on in Benji’s head. Normally, all he has to do is ask, and Benji would tell him. But he doesn’t know how to ask now. Not after he ruined everything.

“I’m sorry. If you hate me… I get it.”

Benji looks away from him, shaking his head. “No, you don’t. You don’t get it.”

Victor stares at him, still standing in the middle of the room. “Then explain it to me. I said it won’t happen again–”

“How can you guarantee that?” Benji interrupts him.

Victor falters. “Because, I won’t–I’m not going to do it again. I shouldn’t have…”

“Then why did you?”

“I...I thought…” He tries, but the words stick in his throat. “I didn’t think. I just did it. I didn’t mean to. I’m so sorry, Benji.”

Benji’s gaze is fixed on the floor. “You… everything is all about you, Victor. Did you even stop and consider how I might feel?”

Victor stays silent, overwhelmed with guilt. Because, if he’s being honest with himself, he didn’t. He was so focused on what he might want, what he was feeling, that he didn’t consider the full scope of his crush on Benji, what it would mean for him.

“You saying it’s not going to happen again isn’t enough, okay? That’s not… you can’t just say it’s not going to happen again, because you’re not the only here. You kissed me, but… I kissed you back.” Benji looks up at him, and he’s frowning but the look in his eyes is more nervous than sad. “I like you, Victor. But I can’t I have a boyfriend and you’re–” he stops mid sentence, but Victor knows what word he held back from saying,  _ straight _ , “you have a  _ girlfriend _ .”

Victor thinks he imagines the way Benji emphasizes the word, but he isn’t sure. He lets Benji’s words sink in and he feels his knees buckle with the full weight of what he’s done, making it hard for him to stay standing. He wants to cry again, but he makes himself walk the short distance to the bed and sit, as far from Benji as possible. He doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable, but he can’t… he feels like he is barely holding it together and sitting down makes him feel grounded, even if he can’t shake the memory of what they’d done on this same bed less than an hour ago.

“I know.” Victor says, and he lets himself be as honest as he can. “But it’s not… I’m not…” he lets the sentence hang in the air between them, not able to find the words to finish it. He knows what he should say, the words he should use, but he’s not ready yet. He hopes Benji understands.

Benji reaches over the distance between them and puts his hand on Victor’s shoulder. “Hey. It’s okay. You don’t have to… you don’t have to explain it, but it’s not fair to anyone if you just keep ignoring it, or denying it. You have to figure out what you want Victor, or a lot of people are gonna get hurt.”

“I’m sorry.” He registers Benji’s confession from earlier, but he doesn’t know what to do with it. Not yet, at least.

“You can stop apologizing… it’s okay.”

Victor gives him a look. “It’s not. Everything’s fucked up.”

Benji lets his hand fall from Victor’s shoulder, but he doesn’t move away. “Okay, fine. It’s not okay. But it will be.” He shifts to fully face Victor on the bed. “You’re going to be okay, Victor. And I know that because I’ve been there.”

Victor meets his eyes but doesn’t say anything. Benji is saying the words he needs to hear, the words he so desperately wants to hear, but he’s still afraid. Afraid of admitting that truth about himself. So he just listens.

“Remember what I said about human sexuality… it’s not a straight line. And there’s no right way to figure it out.” Benji’s words are so earnest that Victor feels compelled to match his sincerity.

“I think I’m done figuring it out. It’s just really hard to…”

“To accept?” Benji finishes when Victor can’t, and Victor nods. “Been there. At least you didn’t almost die in the process.” 

Victor sees him trying to make light of the situation and he appreciates it, so he reciprocates, hoping it’s not too soon. “I don’t know, kissing one of your only friends and ruining your friendship is just as bad as almost dying.”

Benji laughs, once, and it’s enough to loosen the knot in Victor’s chest. “You didn’t ruin anything. I think we should just… I think we both have some things to figure out. Maybe it’s best if we stay away from each other, just for a little while.”

Victor’s heart sinks at his words, but he knows he’s right. He nods. “Yeah, okay.”

Benji gives him a small smile which dissolves into a yawn. “I’m gonna try to get some sleep. Good night, Victor.”

Victor nods at him again. “Good night.”

He doesn’t sleep much that night, but the next morning he feels like he is finally awake, finally aware of who he really is. And as much guilt and regret he feels over his actions, there’s a feeling of lightness in his chest, and a resolve to finally face this thing that he has been hiding from his whole life. He looks at Benji, sitting next to him in the car as he drives toward his home, and he sees the truth in Benji’s words. He is going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me on twitter i'm [@buckreyes](https://twitter.com/bucksreyes)


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